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Time for change.

Time for change.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.  That old chestnut.  Recently,  it’s been a case of feel the fear and then feel it some more and just when you think you’ve felt as much fear as you possibly can, feel just a little bit more.  Oh and the doing it anyway bit?  Forget...

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Telling it like it is…

Telling it like it is…

I met a lovely fellow blogger and super mumma recently – Clemmie Telford of the Mother of all Lists blog.  She was kind enough to ask me to write a guest post and here it is :-  Cancer. The gift that keeps on giving. Kind of. Okay so bear with me.  I’m going...

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Cold comfort…

Cold comfort…

It’s been a funny old week. Ever since this whole cancer schmancer ‘thing’ started all those years ago it only ever takes me feeling a bit below par for my mood to plummet and so when I found myself laid low and bed bound on Tuesday it wasn’t...

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Life, interrupted…

Life, interrupted…

I  needed something to drag me out of my writing slump.  A call from Cancer Research UK asking me to write a new blog post to read at the launch of the Selfish Mother #GoodTees for Stand UP To Cancer 2016 was just the jolt I needed. So, here it is.  Feels good to be...

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An unexpected blip…

An unexpected blip…

Ella, Louis and Theo are thriving. Just turned five and quite possibly at the pinnacle of cuteness. They run into school each day smiling and happy and emerge a few hours later smiling and happy. They get home and they scream, they shout and it’s still utter mayhem...

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A marvellous mini break…

A marvellous mini break…

Don’t you just love it when things come together? I’ve always found it very handy that my best friend lives up north. It means that every few months I simply have no choice but to gather together every scrap of available childcare and make a solo trip up...

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Where my head’s at…

Where my head’s at…

I’m torn. My three are hurtling towards five with grubby knees from the school playground, a million priceless questions and spaghetti sauce down their jumpers. Jake has started secondary school and is on the brink of a whole new chapter. They are all still the centre...

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Love you, Ella Bella x

Love you, Ella Bella x

It had been a bit of a morning. There were tears (mine) and tantrums (all of ours) but as we parked up outside nursery I was determined to turn things around and try a parenting technique I’d been reading about. Love Bombing it’s called – an attempt...

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And off I went…

And off I went…

Attempt number three at trying to create something vaguely resembling boobs of the same size has just taken place. And so, once again, I’m back home from hospital, wearing a sports bra to bed and having to make do with the briefest of showers rather than my...

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Daring to dream…

Daring to dream…

My weekend away did me good. I say weekend. It was two whole nights but just one whole day of child free-freedom. Over in the blink of an eye but oh, so necessary and… medicinal. I was giddy on the train journey there. Fidgety and fitful. I was glowing. If...

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Meet the Fockers…

Meet the Fockers…

Swearing. It’s a funny old thing. We all do it (don’t we?) Okay, maybe some more than others but we’ve all got a favourite expletive. Mine happens to be bollocks. It can be a satisfying and necessary release when you bang your funny bone or a barely...

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Hit the road, Jack…

Ssh. Don’t tell anyone but I’m off. I’m hitting the road in the morning and heading north. There’s food in the fridge, custard creams in the tin and about ninety six episodes of Fireman Sam that need watching. Big brother away with Papa,...

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Frenemies…

Frenemies…

A mini miracle occurred today. For at least fifteen minutes this morning Ella, Louis and Theo played together. Properly. Imaginary stuff…proper playing! The TV was off, I had crept upstairs to have my daily world’s fastest shower and as I made the bed and...

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My Piglet and Pooh…

My Piglet and Pooh…

It’s happened. Three and a half years in and the ‘twin thing’ seems to have taken a hold between my very own Thing One and Thing Two, Louis and Theo. Having spent the last couple of years largely ignoring each other it seems that they have fallen in...

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My old friend fear…

The last few weeks have been strange. I’ve come to the blank page on several occasions and found myself staring into space feeling like I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing new anyway. No shortage of thoughts buzzing around in my somewhat soggy brain but a...

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Bleeding love…

Last night was great. A ‘proper’ Rock Choir concert – with a paying audience, interval and refreshments! We really know how to put on a show… I’d been stupidly nervous beforehand. Lots of loved ones in the audience and so many moves to...

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It’s never too late to try…

It’s never too late to try…

There has to be a way to make bedtime less torturous. Ella, Louis and Theo’s that is – not mine. I can be upstairs, in my pyjamas with nice, clean teeth, an empty bladder and the light off in minutes. I don’t mess around and I rarely need a bedtime...

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Homework hell…

Homework hell…

Dear Miss J, Please can you give Jake’s homework directly to me from now on. We all know the truth. Let’s stop the pretence, the smoke and mirrors and just tell it like it is. I think you’ll be very pleased with my, er Jake’s poster on...

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The list.

Jake’s upstairs cleaning his teeth. I’m down in the living room at the computer. ‘Mummy?’ ‘Yes Jake?’ ‘I know the answer to this but is toothpaste liquid, solid or gas?’ I pause and take a shot in the dark. ‘Er,...

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In the words of Mary J….

And normal service is resumed. Thank the lord. First day of term for my four, first day of recovery for me. They had a good Christmas, Papa joined us and it was fine, new toys were pieced together and then promptly broken or discarded and I could usually be found in a...

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Charades, anyone?

Charades, anyone?

I like to keep one step ahead and can officially announce that I’ve already had what I hope is my one and only Christmas meltdown. At about five pm this afternoon I could be found sobbing hysterically in the bathroom, light off and door shut, sitting on the loo...

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Can I be in your gang?

Ella, Louis and Theo appeared to quite like one another today. This is not the norm. Despite the fact that they grew inside me as one for thirty two weeks and five days, were born just minutes apart and must surely have as close a bond as is possible to have, they...

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A lap of honour and a piece of cake…

So my babies are nearly three. The teeny, tiny bundles that I held in my arms in the special care baby unit back in December 2009 are now upright, vocal, two feet on the ground, don’t mess with me little warriors. And dare I say it – suddenly, it...

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Thank you…

It’s fair to say that I’ve been on a bit of a downer lately. Going through a delightfully depressing phase of obsessively worrying about my health, torturing myself with what if’s, struggling to find much enjoyment in lifes’ simple pleasures...

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A little time out…

I definitely need to get out more. And so does my nine year old. We are slowly but surely morphing into our very own version of George and Mildred and I think some time apart would do us both the world of good. I caught myself this morning, on the way to school,...

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Sing when you’re winning…

Just as well as I go to choir once a week as I seem to be prohibited from opening my mouth to warble a tune at home, whilst strolling in the park, driving my car or anywhere else within earshot of my fabulous four. I feel a little crushed but kind of get it. I...

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Just do it.

I went for a run today, for the first time in weeks. In an attempt to raise my endorphin levels and snap myself out of the low mood that took hold about a month ago I hauled my weary body out of the house and half heartedly around a not very big patch of the common. I...

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Nipple talk…

I had my right nipple tattooed last night. As you do. Or breast re pigmentation to use the correct term. Headed up to Harley Street after work and met the lovely Karen Betts who, in about fifteen minutes flat, managed to make my boobs look like..well, a little bit...

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And it’s goodnight from her…

And it’s goodnight from her…

Is it a full moon or something? I know the clocks go back tonight so can I blame today’s horrors on the extra hour? Or Halloween or, or…what?! Today has just been simply miserable. Twelve hours of screaming, whinging, fighting, pleading (that was me) with...

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One slice or two?

Now I’m no Nigella – sorry, Nigellissima, but I do try. Sometimes. And when I do make the effort to step away from the freezer drawer and cook a hearty meal from scratch I get really fed up when my efforts go unappreciated by my four little darlings. I...

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Just watch and learn, Mummy…

Today was spent watching Ella scribble on a freshly painted wall in a gorgeous house in north west London and be applauded and rewarded for doing so. All in the name of cancer research. We were filming a short clip for CRUK’s forthcoming Stand Up To Cancer...

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Chicken pie and a facial…

Chicken pie and a facial…

When I was in the grip of everything (and by everything I mean newborn triplets, a hideous break up and a breast cancer diagnosis) I found myself on the receiving end of some truly incredible acts of kindness. There’s nothing like coming home from a heavy dose...

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Days like today…

Today was surprisingly enjoyable. There was none of the palpable tension that usually hangs in the air when a certain person and I spend any length of time together. I feel good about today but also a little unsettled. We all went swimming. Well, Papa and Jake took...

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Wake me up in January…

And so it begins. Christmas. Seeing mince pies on the shelves of a certain food store on the first day of September told me all I needed to know. Deep breath, armour on and here we go. I used to love the build up to the twenty fifth. Loved the twinkliness, the...

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You know you make me wanna…

I seem to have lost the ability to speak in a normal voice. I’ve got so used to shouting that I’m shouting when there’s no need to shout.  In fact, shouting is probably a polite way of describing the sounds that have been coming out of my mouth in...

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Progress…

We did it. Made it through the summer holidays with our heads held high. We managed to complete most of the items on our list and had quite a bit of fun in the process. I’ve been reaching over my shoulder and patting myself on the back all day. And exhaling...

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And so to bed…

And so to bed…

You know you’re having a bad day when, at around quarter to five in the afternoon, you find yourself eating mashed potato out of the pan, adding a dollop of houmous, chunk of butter, swirling it around and calling it your evening meal. It’s a sign things...

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When we were good…

When we were good… The long oak coffee table that was the living room centre piece in my ‘old’ life is now back with me where it belongs. The cluttered, colourful flat we lived in as a family of three, before the triplets, before the breakup and...

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All that glitters…

All that glitters…

SHINE – Cancer Research UK’s night time marathon walk is drawing near and so today a photographer, along with a lovely lady from the charity’s media team, came to the house to take a few publicity snaps of me and the children looking..er…shiny....

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Answers on a postcard, please…

Jake has returned from his summer holiday in France. Ten days early. Three nights of heart wrenching phone calls – I (sob) miss you (splutter) so much, mummy (more sobs) and trying to communicate with ex in-laws who don’t speak the same language has been...

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My very own ‘2012’…

I had my annual mammogram yesterday. First day of the school holidays, first day of decent weather and it was off to the hospital to get my left boob clamped and photographed. I kept myself busy in the morning, not hard to do. The triplets at nursery, Jake and I hit...

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Plan B…

If I’d read my horoscope this week I’m sure the advice would have been to stay in bed and avoid all human contact. From about lunchtime on Wednesday onwards it’s been downhill all the way and by the time I got home yesterday conflict, confrontations...

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Stick with us, Jakey…

Stick with us, Jakey…

A couple of months ago I watched an episode of Supernanny USA. She was working her magic on a family with four children – triplets and an older boy. I’d made a point of recording it and one evening when all was calm settled down in front of the telly with...

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Fifty shades of how…

I find myself looking at couples a lot. I guess you could call it spying. I’m fascinated by how the whole relationship ‘thang’ works for other people because right now it’s a total mystery to me. Like lots of things that I’ve rediscovered...

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No more Mrs Nice Guy…

I’m getting stricter by the day. I’m almost scaring myself. The naughty corner is now firmly established as is my Supernanny inspired special voice that in theory should only be used occasionally but now seems to have become a default setting. A friend...

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Swings and roundabouts…

Swings and roundabouts…

I had high hopes for this weekend. After a week of feeling like I was sliding down the good mummy charts faster than a new release by last year’s X-Factor winner I was determined to turn things around. On Friday evening I was ready and gearing up for the task...

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And the bad mummy award goes to…

I try to make Friday evenings a bit special for Jake. Treat nights we call them. Something funny on the TV, a bowl of crisps, getting to stay up later than usual and he’s a happy boy, or so I like to think. I tell myself that we’re having quality time...

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Enter at your own risk…

Drowning in things to do and having developed an acute phobia of paperwork I’m procrastinating beyond belief when it comes to filling in forms, finding essential documents and making phone calls to scary grown ups. I go about the day mumbling positive...

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Roll up, roll up!

Driving Jake and two of his best friends to Chessington World of Adventures yesterday was a bit like being given a glimpse into the future. Three nine year olds sitting in a row in the back of the car – what a contrast from the gabbling, largely nonsensical...

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Humour me…

I had one of those moments this morning – verging on Hallmark. They don’t happen often but when they do they’re quite something. Walking into the triplets bedroom, wafting away that unmistakable morning smell of stale milk, sweat and warm pooh, as I...

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And Herman makes five…

After a night of violent dreams that I won’t repeat partly for fear of being sectioned but also because I don’t want to bore you it was even more of a struggle than usual to drag myself out of bed. Thursday mornings are always a rush. I have approximately...

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And breathe…

This morning, a certain person suggested ( and that’s a polite way of putting it) that I should stop wasting time singing in a choir and instead work some shifts in a bar if finances are indeed as tight as I say they are. Hmmm. Interesting idea but not very well...

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Mission accomplished!

I caught up with an old friend today. We used to work together and the last time I saw her I was twenty seven weeks pregnant with the triplets and just about to go on early maternity leave. I was stressed beyond belief, my life was falling apart on pretty much every...

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A change from the norm…

Not my usual Saturday morning. No Mr Tumble for me today or the usual living room squabbles. Instead, just after breakfast, I waved a cheery goodbye to my four and headed to the Tower of London to take part in a world record attempt, as you do. About two hundred and...

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Good things come to those who wait…

Ella has learnt how to say yes. It certainly makes a refreshing change from hearing ‘no’ two hundred times a day. It’s a rather sibilant sounding affirmative at the moment though. It took me a while to grasp that ‘Yaysh’ was actually her...

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Sing out Sister!

It was choir last night. Without doubt, the highlight of my week. For two hours on a Wednesday evening in a church in south London I get to be a different me. I’ve always loved singing and even though I’m no great shakes it doesn’t seem to matter and...

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Holy Moly!

So, after yesterday’s school run debacle Jake and I set off this morning, leaving the triplets behind with their Papa who’d come round to visit. We crept out of the house while they weren’t looking, ran to the car and leapt inside like two armed...

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The school run scuppered…

It’s always a joy when I manage to get a parking space outside of Jake’s school in the morning. Especially when the sun is shining. In recent weeks, with all the rain, it’s been a case of pulling up outside the gates, a quick peck on the cheek and...

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Car boot fair fun…

A good day, as Sundays go. Keeping busy is best and we hit the local car boot fair first thing this morning. It was fun and…informative. I now know, very clearly, that I am not going anywhere outside again, ever, until I have purchased reins for the triplets....

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Stairgate to heaven…

I’ve just had to buy a new stair gate. Really annoying as you would think with the triplets now aged two and a half, we would be moving away from such things, instead I’m having to re think the ‘security’ system I have in place and take it up...

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My go Mummy’s lap…

It’s exhausting being so popular. Three bodies clamouring for prime position on one lap – it’s a logistical nightmare. I arrived home from work full of good intentions. Tonight would be different. Instead of rushing them all into bed within minutes...

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It’s good to talk…

A couple of weeks ago I sat with my oncologist discussing whether or not I needed anti depressants.  I’m pretty sure I was ticking all the boxes on his trusty checklist.   Weepy, tired, overwhelmed and feeling completely hopeless about the future not to mention...

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Rainy days and Mondays…

Rainy days and Mondays…

I’m sure I’m not alone in being bored of the rain. If it was October now it would be acceptable. I’d be getting into cosy mode, nights drawing in and stocking up on thick, opaque tights at Marks and Spencer. It’s June. My triplets haven’t...

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Sunday Treat…

Time flies when you’re having fun. Last year’s good intentions of daily blogging were overtaken by just getting through each day hence months and months between posts but now, the triplets have just turned two and a half and as I’ve realised that...

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Decisions, decisions…

Seeing your ex-partner playing with your children messes with your head.  Happy scenes of father and daughter bonding, rough and tumble with the boys.  Oh, happy days…but is that enough?  We all want the happy ending, the Sunday morning snuggles and joys that...

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Easy As Saturday

Easy As Saturday

The triplets are asleep, the macaroni cheese for tonight’s dinner is ready and so hey, why not start a blog! I’ve barely had time to clean my teeth in the last couple of years but it feels like such a shame not to be journalling at least some of what life...

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