I’ve talked about the negative a fair bit lately which I normally try to avoid doing as I’m not really sure that it helps. Struggling at home with our troubled boy my social media venting has been of the downbeat kind. Enough of that. The wheels are in motion, we’re getting help and so really, what else is there to say? The same child that leaves me feeling completely ineffective, hopeless and out of my depth is also the same boy who sings Ed Sheeran songs with such out of tune passion that I have to pretend that the guttural sobs they trigger are an unexpected coughing fit.
I can see and sense his turmoil and I genuinely think he’s as confused as we are.
From scenes that resemble something out of The Omen to more sweetness and light than my battered heart can take, life with this little one is certainly full of contrast.
And, really, life should be full of contrast, don’t you think? For without the tricky bits how would we treasure the sweet stuff?
For a long time, I thought that my experience of cancer hadn’t changed me. There I was, still sweating the small stuff, still not lighting the ‘special’ candles, let alone wearing my best knickers. Jeez, I’d say to myself on a regular basis, What’s it going to take, Em? You’ve nearly popped your clogs several times for god’s sake. What on earth are you waiting for?
Was I waiting for the day when I received a carved in stone guarantee of no more dramas,no more ill health? Maybe I was waiting for a promise of smooth sailing from here on in? Waiting for permission to exhale and decide that now, finally, now it was safe to let myself live.
I’m not waiting anymore. Finally, at the grand old age of how old??! I’ve learnt to let myself feel joy. To feel worthy. To feel my own potential. To feel happy, despite the ongoing challenges I face. I’m in a good phase, an exciting phase and crucially, a healthy phase. It’s midday on a very wet Wednesday and yep, my ludicrously expensive Anthropolgie candle is flickering. Just for me. Because I’m worth it.
Still got to up my knicker game though….